Friday, January 29, 2010

#4 following

As the oldest of three boys, I grew up calling the shots. Whether it was Legos, G.I. Joe, or He-man, whether we were going to pull a prank on the neighbor or sneaking on to the roof, I was the lead man. I was Hannibal and they were my A-Team.  This behavior, as it does with many oldest children, translated from childhood into adolescence and then into adulthood. My adolescence was filled with me roping many of my friends into making some pretty dumb decisions.  I recall one night pulling the red Ford Topaz back into my parents driveway at 3am, after "stealing" it for a couple of hours. The friend in the passenger seat literally burst into tears as the headlights shined brightly on a half naked, very confused father of mine. We were fourteen and grounded.
When it comes to the Gospel, Jesus makes it very clear to me that following Him is fundamental. When I decided to follow Jesus, I relinquished the lead role to Him. This is ridiculously hard for me. And the worst part is, that it's that I call myself a follower.  I'm a "follower", that because of fear of what Jesus might ask, 99% of the time does not follow. And I've figured out ways to make myself feel like I am, so that I can continue leading.

Here are just a few of the mechanisms that I've invented.

- Options (most common for me)
Jesus: "Follow me."
Me: "Okay. Can you give me some options and let me pick one?"
Jesus: "But, that would make you in charge. Just trust me."
Me: "What did you say Jesus? I'm busy praying about my options."

- Judgement
Jesus: "Follow me."
Me: "Sure thing Jesus, you want me to change the world for your Glory, right?"
Jesus: "Well, sure, but I just need you to trust me with whatever I ask you to do."
Me: "What did you say Jesus? I'm busy praying for all the sad sad pagans not doing your will."

- If/Then
Jesus: "Follow me."
Me: "I'm all over it Jesus. Now if you could just make it real clear for me."
Jesus: "I need you to step out into the darkness. Trust me, I'm right here."
Me: "What did you say Jesus? I'm staring at the Sun waiting for it to dance."

Whether you are the oldest in your family or not, chances are some of these mechanisms probably sound familiar. Chances are, just like me, you are scared to death of what Jesus might ask you to do. In my heart of hearts I really want to trust. I really want to obey. But, I choose to just "get by" on my own. I convince myself that I'm doing God's will, but I am really just doing my will with some Godly sweetener.

Lord, help me to trust you more. I know that you have my best interest in mind, because you are my Father. Teach me how to follow you.

1 comment:

Arleen Spenceley said...

Oh, man. The if/then is far too familiar.

But I, too, am scared to death of what Jesus has in store. But stoked at the same time!